I notice that I can only write and create entries to this blog whenever I am in a high emotional state, in short ‘adik bah!’. Hahaha! Though I really tried to write something when I am happy, more often than not I failed caused ‘words’ does not really pop-up in my brain during those moments. Just like right now, I am writing again because there is something I want to express and I’ll be exploding if I did not release it. Aha! That’s it! That’s the reason why I can only write during those times and not when I am happy. ‘Cause when I am happy, I really express myself out and give it all, I laugh till my stomach’s out.

On the serious note, blogging (if there such a word) becomes my outlet ever since I came here in Singapore. It’s really quite depressing when you’re far away from home. Haaay. Here I go again.

I wanted to meet someone but our situation makes it difficult for us to meet. You know the reason i-am-here-and-you-are-there-thingy. Add to the fact that there is nothing you can do to solve the problem or should I say I am afraid again. Being the coward-cow that I am, it is really something that I need to face.

So, what has blogging brought me – a sense of companionship, a shoulder to lean on (i.e. your comments, advices, etc) and an outlet for my thoughts.

I can’t help but repost this article written by a Filipino who lived and grew up in the land where I thought my dreams would come true. It’s just ironic that now that I am working and living abroad, I just realized that the true happiness and comfort that I was longing for was left to the place I can call home, the Philippines. Someday, I will go back too when I have found all the pieces to my own puzzle.

To all my friends who live in a far far away land and those who are planning to live in a far away land, please read along..

Final piece of a puzzle
by Krisanne Alcantara
Philippine Daily Inquirer

The great Filipino Diaspora has resulted in countless Filipinos settling down all over the world, in countries such as the United States, Canada and Australia. These Filipinos are admired for uprooting completely and attaining the coveted Western dream, all-inclusive of the dollar-earning corporate job, Mercedes-Benz, shiny Gap-clothed offspring and glittering palatial homes in the suburbs.

But let me tell you, all that glitters is not gold.

I know, because I am one of those Filipino-Australian /American offspring, part of an entire generation of young Filipino adults who have lived and been raised “abroad,” a generation who, despite being born into the Great American Dream of their progenitors, cannot help but suffer from some form of identity crisis.

I am the perfect case study. Born in Manila, shipped to Australia for 10 years, only to be relocated in America, then back in Australia during my adolescence, I had completely given up finding a place to call home. Consequently, for years I insisted on calling myself a “citizen of theworld.” By the ripe old age of 21, I was jaded and slightly defiant, if not a little confused.

That was until a week ago, when I found myself standing in the middle of a traffic-congested road with no distinct lanes, poorly attempting to “para” [halt] a jeepney in the thick of the Manila heat, knowing a total of 12 words in Tagalog and not knowing the difference between a P5 and a P10 coin — and feeling right at home.

Coming back to the Philippines in my adulthood is akin to the satisfaction of finding that final piece of the puzzle and placing it snugly where it belongs. It is like filling an empty space that you never knew existed. “Where have you been all these years?” I wondered, as sweat poured down my brow and I was almost killed by a reckless taxi driver.

Ironically, I have lived the “dream life” abroad like so many Filipinos constantly tell me they are desperate for. Whenever I mention that I currently reside in Australia, this revelation is always immediately followed by something along the lines of “Ay, Australia, gusto ko ‘dyan!” ["Australia, I want to be there!"]

And with good reason. Me too, I like it in Australia. It’s practically impossible not to like the country. It is so clean and so green, there is hardly any traffic and the weather obeys the seasons: winter means “cold” and summer means “hot.”

Yet, now, after years of desperately trying to find this elusive place called home and instead being offered breathtakingly beautiful substitutes, I find myself loving a country where winter means “hot,” and summer means “heat so excruciating you may as well be living inside a furnace.” It’s a country where people stare at me like an alien when I attempt to speak Tagalog (and oh, I try so hard), and a country where the skyline is defiled by billboards of heavily airbrushed superstars advertising anything, from hair products to coffee creamer.

What many people don’t know about we “lucky” Filipinos who have lived abroad our entire lives is that there is a tug-of-war that happens beneath the surface for many of us. There is an entire generation of Filipino young adults who have been brought up in another country, who experience a constant, underlying struggle between the culture that runs in their blood, and the culture that they live and breathe on a daily basis.

We are the young people who have been forced by our parents to adopt English as our first language and eat Weetbix and Cornflakes for breakfast. We nonchalantly take our SATs or HSCs, knowing that getting into universities is no drama, and neither is finding some form of employment if we fail. Yet there is some kind of inexplicable emptiness that is hard to fill, or even admit, that is common among many of us Fil-Oz and Fil-Am youngsters. I know this, having Filipino cousins and friends in both America and Australia. Within many of us lies the similar, disjointed feeling of being neither here nor there, being neither wholly American/Australian nor wholly Filipino.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I love Australia. It has been very kind to me, and I would not be sitting here had it not generously awarded me a free education at one of its most prestigious universities and then sent me to work here, expenses paid. And I know it sounds shallow, but boy, is Australia beautiful.

But the Philippines possesses a different kind of beauty that does not have to do with immaculate greenery, flawless stretches of golden desert and glittering turquoise ocean. In my opinion, the Philippines is beautiful because of its irony and its endearing imperfection.

A Third World country with gargantuan shopping malls to rival the world’s best. A country with the most shopping malls, and also the most slum areas and poverty. A country so devoutly Roman Catholic yet also one of the most destitute and plagued with the most problematic of governments. And a country whose citizens are labelled “the happiest people in the world,” according to the Chinese Asiaweek.

I have witnessed firsthand the breathtaking opulence of Malacañan Palace during vin d’honneur, and I have visited slums where shanties are packed so tightly together that the tiny doors can only open inwards and children run around barefoot and naked. I have witnessed both Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’ s presidential address beneath a glittering crystal chandelier and the heartbreaking sight of a sweating man standing in between two lanes of traffic, balancing a stand of peanuts on one arm and his toddler in the other.

The Philippines is such a charming, enchanting, endearing mess of a country. Nothing really seems to fit, yet it all does.

And it reminds me a bit of myself. Perhaps that’s why I feel like I fit right in. Perhaps that’s why after all these years I can say I have finally, thankfully, found my home.

So, for all you fellow Filipinos here in the Philippines who dream of a life abroad, I am not telling you to stop dreaming. Explore your horizons. Go to college, apply for scholarships, and work abroad. Just know where you came from, and feel blessed to have what you have. And never forget to come back to help your fellowmen, your people. And to the lost souls, the confused “citizens of the world” like me who may be reading this: Don’t lose hope. As the famous saying goes, “Life is a voyage that’s homeward bound.” In other words, no matter where or how far you wander, don’t fret — you will one day end up where you belong. Take it from me.

Krisanne Alcantara, 21, is a journalism student at the University of Sydney. She won the Myer and AKF journalism scholarship and is currently an intern at the Philippine Daily Inquirer.

This week was been very tough for me, it started with a bang and it continued everyday until now. At first I feel I just needed to let go and go on but you know when it rains it really pours. haaaay.

Isa sa mga tradisyon nating mga katolikong pinoy ang simbang gabi tuwing sasapit ang pasko. At kahit saang lugar na kung saan matatagpuan ang malaking kummunidad ng mga pinoy ay dala dala pa rin ang tradisyong ito. Sa paglipas ng panahon, iba-iba na ang pagdiriwang nito. Nariyan na ang pagsasabit ng mga parol kasama ang nakakamanghang liwanag ng mga iba’t-ibang makulay na ilaw nito. Bilang isang pinoy ang pasko ay hindi kumpleto kung wala ang Simbang Gabi o Misa De Gallo.

Dito sa Singapore, nagsimula na kagabi ang selebrasyon ng siyam na novena para sa poong birhen na si Maria o mas kilalang tawag na Simbang Gabi. Bagama’t hindi ako nakapunta sa unang gabi sa kadahilanang nagkasabay ang selebrasyon ng aming Christmas Party ay pinilit ko namang makapunta ngayong pangalawang araw. Para sa mga tulad kong mahilig lumaboy sigurado akong magugustuhan mo ang makipagdiwang ng simbang gabi dito kasi sa siyam na araw ng misa de gallo ay iba’t-ibang simbahan ito gaganapin. Hindi katulad sa atin na sa isang simbahan ay pinagdiriwang ang siyam na araw na simbang gabi. Kaya nasabi ko kanina na magugustuhan ng mga palaboy na tulad ko ang simbang gabi dito kasi sa iba’t-ibang parte ng Singapore ginaganap ang simbang gabi bawat araw. At walang mauulit na simbahan, kaya kung gusto mong mamasyal sa iba’t-ibang parokya dito aba eh halika na at samahan mo ako. Isang pagsubok nga lang ito kasi yung mga ibang parokya ay sobrang layo sa aking tinitirhan bagamat ganun pa man ay sisikapin kong hindi ito hadlang para hindi ako makapunta.

Pagpasok ko kanina sa simbahan, bigla akong nasiyahan kasi kahit saang anggulo ka tumingin ay puro pinoy ang makikita mo. Isa lang ito sa mga sensyales na miss ko na talaga ang pilipinas. Sobrang dami ng tao talaga at sa katunayan nga naubusan pa ng Hostiya kaninang kumuniyon sa sorbang dami ng mga pinoy na nagsipagdalo. Hehehe. Ang choir ay mga pinoy din kaya nakakadagdag saya din at ang unang kanta nilang pamasko ay medley song, pinangunahan ng kantang latin na Adeste Fideles tapos sinundan ng O Come All Ye Faithful. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ngayon ko lang naramdaman na pasko na nga kasi dito hindi mo talaga madaraman ang pasko kasi parang ordinaryo lang na araw ang Christmas season sa bansang ito. Mabuti na lang meron ang tradisyon na ito para sa aming mga pinoy na wala sa pilipinas. Dalawang pari ang nanguna sa selebrasyon kanina, si Padre Angel (pinoy na pari) at isang Obispo (nakalimutan ko ang pangalan, chinese kasi, hehehe). Pinakilala ni Padre Anghel sa amin ang Obispo at sinabi ang dahilan kung bakit gusto nyang makisalo sa selebrasyon ng misa, kasi daw gusto nya makita kung gaano karami ang kummunidad ng pinoy dito at hindi sya bigo kasi sobrang dami nga talaga. Maraming misa na rin ang nadaluhan ko dito pero iba pa rin talaga ang selebrasyon nating mga pinoy kasi mararamdaman mo ang galak, saya at buhay na buhay talaga.

Sa sobrang galak ko kanina, hindi ko naiwasang tumingin at mag-observe. Sa bandang harap ko at may magkasintahan pero hindi ko alam kung yung lalaki eh sumama lang ba para samahan ang kanyang girlfriend o gustong makisalo sa misa – eh kasi ba naman wala ng inatupag kundi ang magpacute sa girlfriend nya tapos paypayan sya pero nakaaircon naman ang buong simbahan, haaay, panginoon patawarin mo po sila at hindi nila alam ang ginagawa nila (isama nyo na rin po ako kasi hindi ako nakapagconcentrate kanina .. ). Syempre hindi ko rin naiwasang magsight-seeing, eto na yung panamalaking pinoy gathering na napuntahan ko mula nung mapadpad ako sa bandang ito. Sobrang daming gerls at gaganda pa, hihihi. Pramis saglit lang talaga ako tumingin kasi nasa simbahan ako. Kailangan ng control syempre. hehehe. Bawi na lang ako pagdating ko sa pinas. Iba pa rin talaga ang byuti ng pinay eh. Aysus nalayo na ako, mabalik tayo.

Ang pangwakas na kanta na inawit ng mga choir ay Ang Pasko ay Sumapit. Hindi ko na pinigilan ang sarili ko, kahit sintonado ang boses ko halla kanta. hahaha. Kung sa pinalipas eh mayroong nagbebenta ng mga puto bombomg, kutsinta, pansit, taho at maraming pang iba dito naman eh may libreng pagkain with matching arrozcaldo na inihanda ng mga kumunidad ng mga pilipino. Syempre libreng chibog yun, papahuli ba naman ako! Ang masaklap nga lang, ang mga ibang pinoy ay dala rin nila ang ugaling madugas at sobrang daming kinuhang pagkain kaya ayun ang mga nahuli sa pila ay wala ng pagkain. Kaya bukas bibilisan ko ng makipila at baka maubusan pa ako. hahaha.

Bata pa ako nakagawian ko na talaga dumalo sa simbang gabi at maraming beses ko na ring nakumpleto. Sabi nga nila pwede ka magwish ‘pag nakumpleto mo eh. Ganun pa man, hindi naman ito ang dahilan kung bakit mayroon simbang gabi sa ating mga pinoy, sana ‘wag nating kalimutan na ang panahong ito ay nakalaan para makakasama natin ang mga pamilya natin at mga mahal sa buhay at higit sa lahat para salubungin ang nalalapit na kaarawan ng ating panginoong Hesus.

Nagsimula na ring lumakas ang simoy ng hangin dito sa Singapore. At sa bawat dampi ng hangin na dumadaploy sa aking pisngi tila bang nagsasabi at nagpapaalala na kailangan ko ng umuwe. Medyo matagal tagal ko na rin akong nagtratrabaho dito, mahigit anim na buwan na rin ang nakalipas. Ngayong pasapit na ang pasko, ang hangin ay isa sa mga nagpapahiwatig sa akin na ang espiritu ng pasko ay nariyan na. At sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, ngayon lang ako magdaraos ng pasko sa malayong bansa ngunit ganun pa man alam ko masaya pa rin naman ang aking noche buena kasi kahit siguro saan man ako mapadpad – ang mga mahal ko sa buhay eh nandyan pa rin nman na nag-alala sa akin.

Gustong-gusto ko talaga kapag dumarating na ang hanging amihan. Ang sarap kasi ng pakiramdam kahit pa tumatagos sa kalamnan at buto-butohan ang kanyang lamig. Idagdag pa rito ang tilang kakayahan nyang ipilit dalhin ang mga lungkot at problemang aking nararamdaman. Parang binubulong nya sa kanyang mga haplos na laging may pag-asa basta ituon lng ang buong attention sa mga bagay na gagawin. Na kahit gaano kataas ang pangarap ay pwedeng-pwedeng abutin basta may puso at dedication. Ang hangin ang nagpapaalala sa akin para dapat laging malakas at ituloy ang hamon sa mga pagsubok na dumarating sa aking buhay.

Tandang-tada ko pa noong bata pa ako na kapag lumalakas na ang hangin tuwing dapit hapon ay gumagawa kami ng saranggula ng aking mga kababata. Pagkatapos didiretso na kami sa bukid para magpataasan ng lipad ng aming simpleng saranggula na gawa sa kawayan at supot ng semento. Isa lang ito sa mga kaligayahan na naidudulot sa akin tuwing malakas ang hangin. Simpleng bagay ngunit tunay at batid ang kaligayahan kanyang hatid.

Minsan sa buhay natin may iba’t ibang klaseng hangin na ating makakasalamuha. May mabangis, may maamo, may malakas, may mahina at marami pang iba ngunit nasa atin na kung paano natin ito haharapin. Para sa akin, ang hangin ay isa lang sa mga pagsubok para malaman natin kung gaano tayo katatag. Nasa atin na lang kung paano natin haharapin. Kung minsan parang gusto ko nga maging isang hangin sa hindi ko mawaring dahilan basta ang alam ko masaya ako kapag malakas ang hangin sa aking kapaligiran.

I can still remember how it happened:

“I slipped and was hanging on a tree.

At first I thought I was ok, but I realized that the longer I hung on the tree the painful my arm got.

I could have shouted for help, but I choose to silently endure alone.

I tried pulling myself up but it was too late. It was too painful.

I fell.”

I forgot how hurting the ground felt, but what I remember is the freedom from pain and the feeling of falling.

I should have learned my lesson then, but here I am

again…

hanging…

counting down the days and my deadline is almost over. hope all will be well for the coming days. it’s just that there are some things that beyond my control. yes i guess you’re right, process and dependency matters. i just need to focus more.

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i’m not much of a coffee drinker, my friends can attest to that. you may see me at starbucks at times but I always opt for the other choices that can be found from the different varieties of coffee they offer. however, these days i need to keep my self alert or else i might find myself jobless in one corner. hehehe. i’m beginning to love this white coffee we bought. needless to say, coffee makes my day alive.

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if only i can return whatever i received – in a form not more and not less. maybe things is not as complicated as it is now. i wish it’s simple as that.

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it’s only a few weeks and i will be home again. yeheeeey! i hope it will be a memorable one, me being a balik-bayan. hahaha. i wish i could fulfill those 10 things i missed the most i listed below. just wishing.

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i wished i am strong. darn, that was an incorrect phrase – it should be i thought i was strong but i was wrong – cause when it comes to you i am still weak.

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i think i owe you an explanation or least a clarification for the decision i’ve made. i’m sorry if it didn’t turned out the way we expect it to be or should i say, the result was way too far from the battle plan we had. it’s not that i was scared or something, i just thought this is the right thing to do and besides i always ask God to guide me to the right path – and I trust Him. thanks for the wisdom. really appreciate it.

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sana nandyan ako sa tabi mo ngayon para damayan ka. i really feel for you, i’ve been there and it’s really hard… kung pwede lang sana ako na lang… all i can do now is to let you know i’m here always…

This is my third entry for tonight. J

I’ve been wanting to buy a bag ever since I came here in Singapore. A bag that I can use whenever I wanted to go the gym, or play badminton or something that I could use during a short travel. On top of that, I should really like it for the first time I’ll see it and the price must be right. Well, those are my criteria for this one hell of a bag. Arm with these conditions, I went from different malls hunting for this specific bag. There was even one time that I thought I’ve found it cause I really like it during the first time I saw it but when I noticed the price I immediately know that this particular bag wasn’t right.

I’ve continued my search by going from one store to another and then one day, on that particular rainy day – I found the bag I was looking for. The color matches the shape combined with the strap that flawlessly knitted at both ends. With astonishing facade and reasonable price, I don’t have any doubts in mind that this is the right one. It perfectly fits the criteria that I’m looking for. Unfortunately, I don’t have an extra budget that time so I need to wait for a month before I can buy that bag. After a month or so, I already have the cash so I even asked a friend of mine to accompany me in buying it. To make sure there’s no damage or anything, I inspected that bag before paying. But to may dismay, when I opened that astonishing bag, I’ve found out that it was a laptop bag! The spacious bag that I was expecting was divided with so many compartments making it unreasonable to buy. I went home quite depressed and empty handed that day. Yes, I expected too much that’s why. *sigh*.

Days and weeks passes by but I can’t find something that can amused me the same way as the one I described above. And then I made a decision, I will buy that bag – I need it because I like it and not the other way around. I don’t need any other reason and who cares about those criteria, the important thing is I like it that’s why I need it. On that day, I bought that supposedly amazing bag. When I was already home, I inspected the bag again and to my surprise the divider that makes the bag pint-sized and the reason that I backed-off before is detachable! After removing the divider, it then becomes the spacious and perfect bag that I want.

Well, I just hope and pray that one day I can have the same courage to the one I love.

Finally I am coming back to my old senses now. Thank you for those times that you’ve shared cause at one point it made me smile again and hope again. This time I know where I should stand. I can’t promise anything for now but hopefully everything will be just fine.

There are things better left unsaid to make stay things the way they used to be. I don’t want to lose you. I just wish that I will not be wasting my life thinking about the what-might-have-beens.

Hope I didn’t leave anything hanging.

Nagdaan na naman ang ilang buwan pero nasaan ka na. Akala ko dumating ka na. Nandito lang ako naghihintay. Umaasa na darating ka balang araw. Bagama’t sadyang malupit yata ang tadhana, bigo pa rin akong makilala ka. Nandito ulit ako, nakaupo sa damuhan,  nakatingala sa bituin, nagtatanong kung kailan ka darating.  

Malamig na ang simo’y ng hangin. Malapit na nanaman ang pasko, sana lang magkita na tayo para hindi na malamig ang pakiramdam ko. Nakakalungkot nanaman sigurong pakinggan ang kantang Pasko Na Sinta Ko. Kailan kaya darating ‘yong panahon na makapiling na kita tuwing sasapit ang pasko.